Unexpected

I was at work today when a colleague told me a recent graduate from our school district--the brother of a friend of mine--had been in a car accident that morning. Pretty serious. Broken vertebrae. My heart went out to my friend. As we were talking, my mind immediately went to a time not all that long ago that this same work colleague, along with many other community members, family and friends were trying to find me because my husband had been in a pretty serious car accident. Definitely different situations but also eerily familiar. My friend's brother is in the same hospital my husband was in and I am assuming he is in the same ICU.

All afternoon my thoughts have been bouncing between thoughts of my friend and her family and how scary this all is with memories from that day. How I felt like I went into auto-pilot in order to get to the hospital safely with our three children in tow. How I desperately tried to recall if I said, "I love you," before I left the house that morning. How fear of the worst took my breathe away. How relief overcame me in waves when I got the phone call that he was in the ICU but that he would be okay. Tears still well up when I think of that moment. I cannot explain the relief. I remember how I watched him that night in the ICU, so relieved that I still had him. I wanted so badly for him to sit up in that hospital bed, hug me and tell me it would be okay. Others were doing that, but you know, it just wasn't the same. I could go on and on. There are parts of that day--of that weekend--that will remain crystal clear in my mind my whole life. There are other moments of that time that are a complete blur. It turned out to appear far worse in the beginning than it ended up being. We were so, incredibly lucky because this could have been unimaginably worse. With that being said, it was still a pretty traumatic day. At the time, I didn't realize how that day would continue to effect me--sometimes out of the complete blue. I didn't know then whenever I heard about an accident, it would take me back to that day. I remember months and months after the accident, the movie We Bought a Zoo was on. I didn't think anything of it; I knew the man in the movie (played by the incredibly handsome Matt Damon) was a widower, but I did not expect the onset of tears and emotion at the end of the movie when viewers witnessed the love this man had shared with his wife. I remember thinking, "That could have been me." I can't explain the guilt I feel over even thinking that because it wasn't me. He is here. He is okay. I am so lucky. I never forget that.

We all have those moments and experiences in life that change us, shape us--sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. That accident was one of those moments for me. Never before have I felt such clarity and blurriness all at the same time. Never before have I ever felt so relieved in my entire life.

I will continue to pray for my friend's family. I will continue to hope for the best possible outcome for her brother. And when my husband gets home from a late night at work, I will give him yet another hug, so thankful to have him here.